Monday, January 27, 2014

The Golden Raspberry Nominations Part 1

The Golden Raspberry Nominations are here
Because I love to shit on shitty work, here are a few of the noms and my commentary on them. These are the movies from 2013.
Worst Picture
After Earth  : Holy, crap did everyone take a dump on this movie. I hate the fact that Will Smith keeps trying to shove his untalented children in our faces and failing. And, don't get me started with the Scientology bullshit meshed into the story as well. Smooth move, Will. I like you will, but you need to move away from that religion for your own good. And, I love that the studio went out of its way to remove M. Knight from all promotional materials. They asked everyone not to mention that M. Knight was directing. Uh, you all hired him.
Grown Ups 2  : Did anyone ask for a sequel to the plot-less first movie? Adding Shaq to your movie also doesn't help either. Now the movie made a lot of money worldwide, but why exactly was the budget 80 million bucks? Really, Sandler?
The Lone Ranger : Did you hear that? That was the sound of a 250 million dollar turd hitting the ground. The budget was even bigger, but Disney forced the production to remove a werewolf subplot. That should tell you the kind of mess this movie turned out to be. The best part of the shit storm is Depp blamed the American critics for the failure...while on tour outside North America. Sorry, people didn't go see your film, because they weren't interested. If critics had that much power, all Sandler movies would be flops.
A Madea Christmas : Somehow, Perry has made the Medea movies progressively worst with every release. I can't attack Perry for taking full control over his movies, but why did he hire Larry the Cable guy for this one?
Movie 43  : I had no idea there were 42 other movies in the series. All jokes aside, I've heard nothing but bad things about the movie. I see it in the Netflix menu, but I can't click it out of sheer shame.
For me, I think After Earth or Grown Ups 2 should win the title of worst movie.
Worst Actor
Johnny Depp in The Lone Ranger as Tonto: I am not even going to touch the whole race thing. However, isn't Depp just channeling his Pirates character in this role?
Ashton Kutcher in Jobs as Steve Jobs : Wow, no one really watched this movie did they? That's what you get when you cast Kutcher in the role. People aren't going to take it seriously. It feels like they were trying to channel the Social Network and failed.
Adam Sandler in Grown Ups 2 as Lenny Feder : Lazy with a lazy character right? All his characters are Guy-Dude-Bro characters that are loveable. In real life, these guys are douche bags.
Jaden Smith in After Earth as Kitai Raige : Jaden, just stop acting. Okay you were good in the Karate Kid, but stop. Smith should win, but he won't
Sylvester Stallone in Bullet to the Head, Escape Plan, and Grudge Match as James "Bobo" Bonomo, Ray Breslin and Henry "Razor" Sharp (respectively) : He's been in a lot of movies this year, all of them bombs. He might need to slow down a bit. We all know he'll win this award.
Worst Actress
Halle Berry in The Call and Movie 43 as Jordan Turner and Emily (respectively): When is someone going to come out say it. Berry is not a good actress today. Sure, she was good in Boomerang and Jungle Fever, but that was a long time ago.
Selena Gomez in Getaway as The Kid: I know nothing about her other than she banged Justin. I heard she was pretty bad in part.
Lindsay Lohan in The Canyons as Tara : She is better know for suing video game companies and shitty rap stars for her likeness than acting. Suing people is how she makes money now, so I guess she was bad in the role here and didn't get paid much.
Tyler Perry in A Madea Christmas as Madea : There you go

Naomi Watts in Diana and Movie 43 as Princess Diana and Samantha Miller (respectively) :   
You might want to wear a Hazmat suit, fella.  

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