Top 50 Bad Movies of the 2000s (21-30)

xXx: State of the Union

Ice Cube: “F’ da police, coming straight from the underground.”
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xXx: State of the Union: So, how do you make an already laughable franchise worst? You replace Vin Diesel with Ice Cube. What were they thinking? Did they think the XXX name alone would bring people into the theater? Ice Cube is pretty much playing Ice Cube here and you can throw in the Green Goblin as well (Willem Dafoe). A bunch of thugs and gangsters save America and none of it makes any sense. Ice Cube, really?

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Ultraviolet

Ultraviolet: Was this supposed to be Æon Flux II? Throw in a hot babe and some strange European techno music and you got another Aeon Flux. Milla Jovovich loves doing these strange Euro action flicks. Somehow, they’ve made this movie just as bad as Aeon Flux.

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Righteous Kill

Al Pacino: “This body represents our collective careers”

Robert De Niro: “Yep, pretty much.”
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Righteous Kill: Look for lazy storytelling here. So, you have two of the biggest stars of their generation, big deal. First, get a damn script that isn’t so aimless and boring that I almost fell asleep. Robert De Niro looks sleepy and Al Pacino is just crazy here. Why was this movie even made?

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Matrix Revolutions

Keanu Reeves: “There’s fat rain and skinny rain.”
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Matrix Revolutions: It is sad, but I have to put this movie on the list. Matrix Reloaded was a flawed movie, but it set up an interesting world for the third film to explore. Sadly, the Matrix Revolutions is more interested in showing us thousands of squid robots fighting mechs. They spend so much time outside the Matrix that I wanted them to rename the movie Zion Revolutions. If I wanted to see a bunch of tan hippies fighting, I’d go to the Highlands in Louisville. It is like the Wachowski Brothers (uh, sister?) weren’t interested in the Matrix anymore. This movie is an embarrassment to the first two movies.

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John Tucker Must Die

In a world where John Tucker Must Die, one of these four women kill him.

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John Tucker Must Die: The movie never lives up to the actual title because John Tucker never dies in the film. I was looking forward to a bunch of self-centered, good looking chicks conspiring to kill the major jock John Tucker. Instead, we just get another by the numbers romantic comedy.

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Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector

Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector: “Git R Done!” Oh, shut up, Larry. I got a chance to watch this mess a few years ago. Larry doesn’t need to make another movie. Basically, it has a puffy Biff from BTTF, and that is all.

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The Happening

Marky-Mark: “I just watched my career kill itself.”
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The Happening: This stupid movie is probably M. Night Shyamalan’s worst movie to date. When one studio refused to make his movie, MNS got into a huffy and moved into another studio. For some reason, he let Mark Wahlberg get all “Funky Bunch” with his character. Wahlberg nearly wrecks the movie himself, but MNS story helps him in the endeavor. Avoid this giant snuff film at all cost.

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From Justin to Kelly

From Justin to Kelly: I don’t watch American Idol, but I did watch this horrid spin-off from that over-hyped TV show. Does anyone remember Justin Guarini today? Granted I like Kelly Clarkson because she has tried to distance herself from American Idol, but nothing can give her performance. This has to be one of the worst “musicals” ever created.

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Employee of the Month

Yeah, I hated your movie, but you don’t have to look at me that way.
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Employee of the Month: What happens when you get two of the most annoying and stupid people to make a movie together (Dane Cook and Jessica Simpson)? You get this messy comedy about a fake Walmart type of store and a bunch of D-bags working inside. This shouldn’t be confused with the other Employee of the Month movie. Simpson is terrible, but super-hack Dane Cook is even worst. Are we supposed to cheer for this guy?

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Aeon Flux

Aeon Flux: Uh, this movie might have been right for the 90s, but during the 2000s it seems out of place. Charlize Theron is very attractive here, but she isn’t Aeon Flux. I think someone taller should have played the character. However, that wouldn’t have changed the sheer shitty-ness of the actual movie.