The Legend of Hercules

The Legend of Hercules 

 You will believe turds can be filmed.

Wow, Renny Harlin really should stop making movies or either go back to directing school...or something. If I am being honest here, Harlin hasn't made a good movie since Die Hard 2. His latest movie is one of the two movies about Hercules that came out last year. I heard this was the worst of the two, and the critics were right. I have never seen characters written this idiotically, CGI done so badly, and music so poorly written before. It has the whole package of a bad movie.

This thing not only stinks, but it is a CGI flaming turd.

When you're opening battle scene looks like a CGI opening to a PC game from the early 90s, you're doing something really wrong. The really shitty CGI is one thing, but the acting is another can or worms altogether.

When you have a block of wood as your leading star, Kellan Lutz is bland and boring, it just drags your already bad movie down even more. Lutz is just plain dreadful as Hercules. And, it gets worst when he turns into a freedom fight/leader in the third act. Are we supposed to believe Greece will rise up with this hunk of driftwood as their leader? Lutz is not the only one that stinks in this thing, but he's the one that stands out.

The script is beyond being shitty. Every character reminds other characters of their motives and backgrounds in every scene. And, the dialogue is so stilted that George Lucas would be jealous. I haven't seen writing this bad since Grown Ups 2 (I just did that one). I can't believe any writer would left this script out of their sights without punching this up a bit. However, you merge Gladiator with 300 and the Hercules story you get a movie that's trying to poorly remake of Gladiator/300.

Speaking of 300, why do we need the fast/slow ramping speeds in every freaking scene? It no longer special when you keep doing it over and over again, Harlin. I have to wonder if Harlin even has a style of his own because he keep aping every action director in the world in just this very movie. Say what you want about Michael Bay, but he at least has his own fingerprints on his style, even if it is a jumbled mess, but Harlin wants to be Tony/Ridley Scott and Zack Snyder so bad in his direction and editing of this movie is sad and a little depressing.

This guy did Die Hard 2, while not a great movie, it was still really entertaining. Harlin has drained all the talent he had with every movie's he's made since then. This movie might be the height of his shit-pile.

The movie is even structured in the same plot setup just like Gladiator. Hercules gets captured and sold into slavery. There's even a gladiator master just like the one from the real movie. Then the movie shifts into 300 with its poorly done ramping-speed fight scenes and CGI rain. We get a third act that no one cares about and then it proceeds to “reset” any meaningful emotional ending we wanted out of the last battle with a happy ending that completely comes out of left field.

This is NOT 300 or Gladiator. Stop it.

For a 70 million dollar movie, EVERYTHING looks cheap. Everything! It screams TV movie with every green screen and CGI shot. The sets are below most of the sets from a Xena episode. Actually, the Xena episodes looked better. Even the score is produced with a synthesizer, thus making the music sound like the shit from Hercules the TV series. I am not sure where this 70 million dollar budget went, but it certainly wasn't on screen.

I hate this movie, but it is so bad that it needs to be seen. You might get a laugh out of it. You'll marvel at how much money wasted on the cheap green screens, the bad CGI, and piss-poor acting. The movie ended up losing money and didn't do as well as the studio thought it would overseas. Harlin knocks it out of the park again with another bad movie, thus keeping his losing streak intact.

Grade: D-

 Dude in the Water:  I am not going to lie, Lutz is a good looking man.  And, this is coming from a straight guy. 

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